People with Bad Eating Habits

Pork scratchings are acceptable to make a lot of noise eating, end of list.

People who chew soup, slapping their jaws together between every spoonful, people who make over exaggerated gulping noises when swallowing food, people who slap their mouths and get half chewed food everywhere when eating.

I have no idea what makes people eat like this. I always think of going on a date or on a business lunch (is that just an American thing? I’m not sure) and having to make an impression. What kind of impression does it give if you chew soup? I’m an idiot and I don’t know how food works is what it makes me think.

And as for these over exaggerated gulping noises. WHAT THE FUCK is up with that? You are not a seagull swallowing a whole fish for fuck sakes, eat normally.

I genuinely have heard people half way through a meal saying “mmmmm that’s nice” as if making the mmmm sound wasn’t bad enough you have to talk to…who are you talking to exactly? Who the fuck cares? The only time to talk about a meal is when you turn to someone who has cooked for you to compliment their cooking. Or when you are out for a meal with people and you comment on the quality of the food after the meal.

I question how many people on this shitty little island are inbred at times.

Facebook People

Facebook people are the worst. Now I’ve split my most hated types of Facebookers into groups below so that I stat on track.

Game/app spammers –

Let us start with these dicks. Everyone has them on Facebook and everyone has someone blocked from sending them stupid requests to games and shit.

Who is playing these games? I play actual video games all the time and never once have I thought “damn let’s sign into Facebook and play imagine we’re a farmer”. I mean what the fuck? It wouldn’t even be so bad if you didn’t have to bug your (Facebook) friends with this shit, I’ve had “help (insert name) plant corn” and “(insert name) needs rope can you help them out” only if the ropes to hang themselves so they stop sending me these stupid fucking request. Bit harsh? Maybe I should move on.

Attention seekers –

Next up we have attention seekers.

“OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED TODAY”

            “whats happened?”

“I’LL INBOX YOU HUN”

If you have to inbox someone about it here’s a theory… don’t put the original post on Facebook, you dumb fuck. The least you could do is tell us what’s up in the comments instead of inboxing people. Come on give us all something to laugh at. No? OK, you absolute click bait whore.

ARRRGH! These people really get me, the please like my status, please comment dipshits who make up problems to seem as though they’ve got stuff going on in their lives.

This is topped only by the queen of emotional Facebook whoring. The top of the tree at attention seeking. That’s right it’s the Facebook is my therapist poster. The absolute cringe that I’m hit with when I read one of these posts is phenomenal. Not sure what posts I’m on about? Here’s an example.

“I have been struggling with my mental health a lot this past couple of years, the dark times never seem to end. But recently there has been a shining light in my life and I no longer feel all alone. Thank you all for your support through these tough times, and I wasn’t sure I’d make it. I’m still not truth be told, but I stay strong and stay positive for you people, I am proud to call you friends”

Followed by the same person posting a funny video of a cat falling down the stairs and pictures of them out getting pissed at the weekend before posting the same fake bullshit next week.

The thing that really pisses me off is there are people out there who generally need help. Who have real depression and real problems. So when some childish, attention seeking twat goes fishing for likes with one of these posts it makes me want to throw up… in a bucket and pour it over their head, in some sort of sick bucket challenge to raise awareness of real mental health issues.

I could go on all day about these fucktards, but you know what they’re not worth it. NEXT!

Serial commenters

Fake post sharers –

Oh these guys, I hate them but love to laugh at them. I saw two people on my timeline share the same photo of these supposed dog-nappers once. The only problem being one was in Manchester and the other was in Portsmouth a 240mile, 5-hour journey in a day just to steal dogs. Oh and did I mention its was the exact same picture, that was supposedly taken by both original posters?

Another favourite of mine was in the weeks leading up to Halloween. People (mostly middle aged white mothers) would share a photo of these Superman, Playboy, smiley face, skull looking pills that looked more like Pez candies to me (if anyone remembers them). With a post saying “people are giving out these ecstasy tablets to children beware this Halloween”, or some similar sounding shit.

Now I’m not Richard Branson but I think that if you are a drug dealer and you are giving away your product to someone too young to think “fuck it, Dad where’s me pocket money I’ve got to go and get off my tits from that candy that man gave me on Halloween” then you might just be doing bad business. And just a whim here as well but to give out molly to every child who visited your house that night (presuming you live in a town or city) would cost you a fuck load of money. And lastly come on people have you ever dealt with a drug dealer? You’re lucky to get what you pay for let alone get freebies. Unless you’re reading this Frank then keep up the good work buddy I’ll see you Saturday.

Rehashing old photos –

We are nearly at the end of this patchwork rant now but there are still a few types of Facebook posters I need to mention.

Like the people who share a photo from 4 years ago and comment on what a wonderful night that was and how they love their friends. Sad fuckers that are stuck in the past and have to cling on to every little good thing that’s happened to them because come Monday morning they will be back to that job they hate, to pay for the mortgage on a house that’s literally a few miles from the house they grew up in.

Also an extension to these posters is the ones who sign up for and app, usually a horoscope which posts shit on their wall every-single-day without them having to do a thing. Hell I doubt they even read it themselves, it’s only purpose to be out there annoying other human beings.

Bigots –

Also if you are unlucky enough to live in the UK like I am, you will have come across a Facebook racist. Usually sharing fake posts from bullshit fucking groups/pages that are anti-muslim, pro-army, ultra right wing nonsense.

I’m going to give these people as few a word count as possible as they are mostly what I call English Rednecks.

Bonus round –

Ok here’s a bonus round of the types of people who piss me of intermittently these people can be; close friends, colleagues or even people you hardly know or never really see post until you see one of these; soldiers/nurses should get footballers wages and footballers should get soldiers/nurses wages, I’m sharing this status as a tribute to/to raise awareness for… I bet most of you wont have the guts to share this.

OK there’s so much stupid there where do we start?

Footballers aren’t paid by the government and nurses and soldiers are. That’s the difference between public and private sector workers, you moron.

Not having the guts to share a status? Are you kidding me? Sharing a status about whatever the cause or point you are trying to make is a big fat fuck all whether it’s a worthy cause or not. So don’t be a thick cunt you’re not going to save/change the world by sharing this dumb status, you really care about it get off you arse and do something about it.

Some people are so stupid it hurts.

Oh and people who feel the need to check in and out of places all the time and tag the people they are with in it. Come on, no one gives a fuck you’re at nandos, get the fuck off my news feed.

LASTLY –

Well done if you managed to get this far who knew Facebook could make you rant this much? Oh that’s right everyone, but everyone still has it don’t they?

The last group I’d like to share are the serial spammers (but not like any off the ones mentioned above).

These spammers are the ones who rarely post pictures, rarely post statues but constantly share articles and photos from pages. Now the reason I left these scum bags until last is… I am one of them. In fact, the only reason I still have Facebook is to like and share motivational quotes or news stories you’re not going to get on the BBC. Malcolm X once said that knowledge is power and it’s the one thing nobody can take away from you, I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist of it. I was 15 when I first read that quote and it was too late for me to start to pay attention in school but it wasn’t too late for me to educate myself about the world. Which I continue to do everyday. The reason I share what I do is to hopefully enlighten people to unplug themselves from the matrix as it were and to grow as a person. I am a lot of things, some good, some bad but I continue to grow and learn everyday. And as much as I hate people I am willing to put stuff out there to hopefully provide the tools someone needs to grow.

“Many people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five.” – Benjamin Franklin

People who want credit for stuff they’re (not) supposed to do

Now this is a Chris Rock joke so watch it then we’ll discuss. This has a shit load of bad language in so keep that in mind if you're at work or at you children's nursery. This is just a snippet I'll post the whole 8 minute clip at the end of the post because it's funny as fuck and if you haven't seen it you should.

Ok watched it? Good. How true is this? I mean I have literally just seen something on Facebook, a person I know shared a photo of a guy holding up a sign that reads “I’ve been clean off Meth and Heroin for 1 and a half years, can I get a like and a share?”. No, no you can’t. See I have several problems with this. 1 what good is it actually going to do if I like and share this photo? You don’t get paid from it. You wont get famous particularly, unless someone makes you into a meme. And you aren’t supposed to do drugs in the first place you fucking dumb, dumb. Well not those drugs anyway. If you’re stupid enough to try them knowing that they are massively addictive, well you stupid as hell.

And don’t get it twisted I’m not an anti drug guy by any means. In fact, I think all drugs should be legalized and regulated. Like if the reason you don’t smoke meth is because it’s illegal you’re an idiot. The reason you shouldn’t smoke Meth is because that shit will fuck you up, that should be your reason. Like if all drugs were made legal you’d run out and grab a gram of coke because the government say it’s ok, fucking sheeple.

Any way that’s a short one for today. I feel more stuff about Facebook bubbling inside me so I’m probably going to dedicate tomorrows rant to Facebook folks. God I hate Facebook.

 Here's the full Chris Rock clip I promised.

Fake People

“Oh my God how are you? You look amazing, we really should meet up more often”

Sound familiar? You’ve experienced fake people. But these fake people are fine, they are in and out of your life no fuss.

The worst fake people are those semi-permanent fuckers who don’t know you, will never really try to get to know you, and have no personality to get to know. The people who are sickly sweet to your face but talk shit behind your back. The scum of the earth if you will?

The fake people I’m talking about are those who sometimes try to give you advice in an artificial happy-tone when the contents of what they are saying is somewhat negative. Now that sounds like a complex thing but if you’ve ever experienced it you’ll know what I mean. And if you’ve ever been unemployed I am 90% sure you will have had one of these in the form of a “I’ve heard that new supermarket down the road is hiring, and with your degree you could go in at management level, a jobs a job after all”. Oh my God thank you for such wonderful advice I spent 3 years at university specializing in a subject to become an Aldi manager. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but when it’s the wrong advice for you there is literally no point in even talking, especially when you’re fake as fuck and know nothing about me.

An easy way to know if you have a fake person in your life is to see what others say about them. If other close family members say things like “they are hard to get to know” or “they’re a funny person” or even a “There is something fucking wrong with them” you may have a fake person. See if people are not sure about them even after spending time with them then there’s a problem for sure.

Fake people are usually nice, which is the worst thing about them. You lose your shit with them you look like a cunt and they walk away smelling of flowers (albeit artificial ones). And when I say nice I mean fake nice obviously, kiss you on the cheek but stab you in the back kind of people.

Now there is a time to be fake. There always will be times when you bump into a friend who you haven’t seen in 5+ years and have nothing in common with anymore but still feel the need to speak to them. This is the only acceptable fakeness and does not make you a fake person. The problem is with negatively charged fake people not fake to not hurt someone’s feelings fake.

This is all quite confusing and fake people are one of the hardest types of people to have in your life (believe me).  The worst thing being I have no solution to them. Ignore them until they are out of your lives is about the best advice but that’s neither here nor there as it’s easier said than done when you don’t have to put up with these people.

Well that sucks leaving this one on a bit of a down note. Sorry.

People (mostly men) who can’t use the toilet properly

So due to talking about toiletness in yesterdays blog I thought I would pick up where we left off (sort of) and get it all out of our system (bad pun, I’m sorry).

Now let me start this off my saying children, especially little boys are excused for missing the bowl and pissing on the seat as long as they get an adult to come and clean in up, it’s fine they will learn and eventually be that bit taller that peeing will be made easier (or at least should be). However, there are people among us that are either complete morons or just don’t give a shit about other people (I fear that mostly it’s a bit or quite a lot of both of these things). But grown men or any male 16 years and above who don’t lift the seat up to pee are idiots. For one why? Its lazy to not lift the seat up and takes no energy to do anyway so just fucking do it. And two, if you do for some completely unknown and unjustifiable reason pee with the seat down, clean up after yourself. No one wants to sit in your piss you disgusting shit head.

These men really need to check themselves or at the very least sit down to piss. If you can’t handle having a cock, piss like a little girl.

Now I am a man before anyone thinks this is an estrogen/oestrogen (unsure of the spelling and the internet didn’t help) fueled rant, and I have missed the toilet bowl more than my fair share of times, either due to being drunk, trying to piss with boner or the one time I got attacked by a wasp mid stream. But here’s the thing, the magic secret that these toilet missers don’t seem to understand… I cleaned up after myself on every occasion. It took no more than 2 minutes to clean up on any occasion, the longest clean up being the wasp incident.

No excuses. Lift the seat, clean up after yourself or piss like a girl. They are your options fucktards.

People who ruin your day as soon as you wake up

Ever woke up in a good mood only to have it ruined by a dickhead? 

I have far too often.

For me this comes in the form of being woken up by; shouting/loud conversations, people stomping up and down stairs, hoovering, doors slamming, cupboards slamming and my favourite bickering (when two people are arguing/disagreeing but not overly aggressively more when a teenager is told to do something and they fight out there cause with a parent, that kind of thing).

This is at most inconsiderate and disrespectful or at least absent minded and just a little bit cunty. The biggest problem I have with this is that I am the kind of person who if I knew someone hadn’t got to be up early, if it was their one day off from work say, I would make sure to be quite in everything I did. But again that’s just me. It seems a lot of my problems with other people stem from the fact that I expect more from them because I would go out of my way to not impact someone’s day negatively. From my life experience it seems we are the 1%, the thinkers, the considerate.

This is not completely an act of being woken up prematurely mind you. This also comes in the form of people moving your stuff. This is my number one hate with people you have to live with. Nothing winds me up more than not being able to find something I need/want to use as it has been moved from the place where I left it. The worst thing about this for me is I could understand moving my stuff if I in fact left it on the floor in the middle of a communal room for people to trip over, but I wouldn’t do that as I am a pretty considerate person as stated before. I mean come on moving a wallet from one shelf to another is not tidying, its borderline mental illness and is completely unnecessary unless the original location of the wallet was taking up space in which something else is more suited, which is never the case the original location is always left bare and unused merely two feet from the new location (this is a personal one can you tell?).

What annoys me more is when the same person who moves your shit then leaves I don’t know let’s say a handbag on the stairs, about three or four steps up pushed to the side but with the strap lying across the step like a bear trap waiting to latch onto your ankle but instead of nearly cutting your foot off, gravity sends you flying back down those four steps, which might as well be a ten foot drop as the butterflies in your stomach have no concept of falling distances. This however has never actually happened to me but I’ve had a few near misses.

Shared bathrooms are also hard in a house full of inconsiderate people. I luckily have a toilet in shed that’s attached to our house for “emergencies”. Thank God, Allah, Buddah and Bruce Wayne for that outside toilet, its saved my ass (more like my underwear) more times than I can count due to people having long showers or cleaning the bathroom at 8 a.m.

Unfortunately, there is sweet fuck all you can do about this most of the time and your best bet is to sit out the shit storm (sometimes a little more literal than I’d like) and dream of a day where you can live alone in a cave away from horrible people. You might even befriend a fox and a squirrel and live happily ever after in a sort of mashup of Jungle Book and The Animals of Farthing wood. (Oh shit, I’ve finally lost it).

But anyway on a serious note as Fleetwood Mac say “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”, and even though you might still be stuck surrounded by these people tomorrow you wont be for the rest of your life, so for now work at getting away, make a plan so that you will never have a morning ruined again.

People Who Bring You Down, When You’re Trying to Achieve Something

I’m starting to think this blog should have been called The Types of People I Hate.

So there are these horrible parasitic types that drag you down when you’re up. I’m sure this has happened to all of us although maybe everyone else hasn’t always been surrounded by the miserable negative people I have.

These are the (as Kevin Smith would say) why people, the people who always as why or always see the worst in everything, the every cloud has a shit stained lining people. The type of person who you’d tell you won the £10mil jackpot on the lottery and they’d say why couldn’t it have been the £72mil Euro. Try to surround yourselves with why not people as Kevin Smith would say, and you know what he’s right. For most of my life I was a why person and all I can say is thank fuck I’m not anymore.

These people are generally negative in every aspect of there life and that’s fine because I once read that “their (negative people) life is their punishment” which I truly believe. The most negative people I’ve ever met are some of the biggest underachievers on the planet. People with potential which they never full reached and as a consequents are living lives that were chosen for them rather than lives that they chose themselves. This is one of the saddest things that can happen to a human, but I believe we choose our own paths. These people believe that they are powerless when negative thing have happened to them, I say the way you react to the bad stuff that happens to you defines you.

Don’t get caught in the trap of negative thinking, it’s a vicious cycle that is hard to get out of.

Again going back to Kevin Smith but in his book Tough Shit (which is in my top 10 books ever, especially for motivation and positivity. Oh and dick jokes, that guy loves dick jokes) he say if you want to do something good encourage an artist. This is a top tip, I love this, because there are too many negative people in the world telling you that you can’t do something or you can’t achieve something. One that’s been thrown at me quite a lot in my life has been: “But how many people who try that actually make money doing it?” or one of the million variations that this comes in. How defeatist is that? I was listening to an old Joe Rogan Experience podcast the other day where he had Magnus Walker on. If you don’t know who Magnus is, he is an ex-fashion designer, ex-film locationer (not the technical term, I just mean he rented out property he owned to film companies) and now spends all his time making custom Porsches as a hobby. Any way his story goes like this: he was born in Sheffield, England and never knew what he wanted to do so after sitting on the dole for a while he went to America and the rests history. Anyway on the podcast he said how in England (especially outside London) you are told to stay in your box, to not strive to be anything other than what you are expected to be and to “live within your means”. This is certainly true for me growing up in middle England, hell I’m the first in my immediate family to go to university and get a degree, just let that sink in a minute the first member of my family finished university in 2015. Why go to university when you can work in a shop? Or be a builder? No thank you.

So fuck people who try to bring you down. At the end of the day no one knows what’s best in life, which is certainly true for everyone I’ve ever met. Most people I know have no idea what they’re doing at 45 so who the fuck are they to judge anyone. And as my man Magnus would say “go with your gut feeling” as you know what’s best for you.

People who whisper

If there’s one thing that’s childish as fuck its whispering. Why the fuck would you do it? It’s rude as fuck. If you’ve got something to say announce it to the whole room don’t be such a coward. And don't be so fucking disrespectful.

This is about all I have to say on this matter.

Short and sweet.

But seriously if you’re in a room full of people don’t fucking whisper.

Fuck it! I’m punching the next cunt who whispers around me.

END OF. 

HAPPY SUNDAY

Dull/Boring People - Only boring people get bored

Aaaah another day another rant.

Dull/Boring people, the ones who are not interested in anything at all, no hobbies, no desire, no passion, no life? The last one is possibly a bit harsh but fuck it they’re so dull they’ve never even heard of a blog let alone read one.

Now I may have made that sound like they do nothing, but that’s laziness not boringness. These people do…some stuff, but its always watered down. It’s half a shandy instead of a can of special brew. They might watch Twilight but never The Walking Dead. They’ll accept a can of coke but never a gram (couldn’t resist that last one).

But seriously every aspect of their lives is as dull as possible they surround themselves with romantic novels and watch The Great British Bake off yet would never bake a cake themselves.

Their music taste is pop music from their teen years, the years when they were slightly less dull. Yawn, even typing this up is boring me.

These are nine till fivers, paint the walls magnolias, broadsheet readers.

Picky eaters also fall into this category. Chips do not count as continental just because you call them French fries. Not willing to try anything new and straight up afraid of the world are these people living or merely surviving? (I think I’m going to be saying that a lot on this blog).

If I never tried new music, never tried a new cuisine, never read a book I wasn’t sure about, never watched a film that wasn’t out of my comfort zone or never did things I was told not to do I would be one of these pointless, boring lemmings and I don’t think I could hack it, although if you know no different I suppose you don’t see that anything’s wrong. Its like the people who only get their news from one source, the sheeple if you will who read The Daily Mail and watch BBC news at 6 and think they are people of the world while they are being force fed bullshit news and being told which politicians to love and which to hate, when we really know that the only correct way is to hate all of them.

Don’t be boring. I’m never bored there are too many books I’ve never read, too many songs I’ve not listened to, too many films I’ve not seen, too many people I know nothing about.

That last ones a biggie (and I don’t mean smalls) some of the coolest shit I’ve learned has come from people that I didn’t know anything about until I found them. The biggest one for me is the writer Hunter S. Thompson, a man who I have no idea how I found, but once I read my first book of his (Kingdom of Fear) I was hooked. What a guy! A drug addled, gun wielding, speed freak who lived his 67 years to the fucking fullest.

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” – Hunter S. Thompson

If you ever wanted a reason to get off your arse and do something that’s it folks. I’d much rather die at 150mph on a 1200cc Ducati at 50 than be 80 riddled with cancer or worse dementia. Now that might seem harsh but its truthfully my view on things.

Remember folks only boring people get bored.

Burn out folks, don’t fade away.

People who don’t respect you

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a lack of respect from people. Now that may have made me sound like a pensioner, in fact that definitely made me sound like a pensioner but oh well they’re not all bad, I mean they do always have sweets, even if they are Werther’s Originals. But anyway back to business.

The people I’m talking about are the kind of people who for lack of a better phrase look down their noses at you, the kind of people who are ignorant to anyone else’s way of life that isn’t their own. These people are usually beige, not even beige, more magnolia or even cream in colour and the only reason they aren’t plain white is they might have smoked a cigarette once, or possibly been clubbing, they may even have a small easily hidden tattoo. The most boring type of people you will ever meet. The type of people who are born, work, live and die in the same town for 70 odd years until they expire. They may be survivors but they never really live. I may have stolen that but I can’t remember where from if I have so lets just pretend its mine.

These are the kind of people who will jump at any chance to have a snide little comment the kind of comment when someone in the room asks if somebody has moved something they chime in with a “Well I haven’t moved, it have I?” this can also come in the form of a “Well it wasn’t me, was it?”. They are usually passive aggressive people who would shit themselves if you merely raised your voice to them.

These ugly (always personality, sometimes physically) people are the kind of people who put themselves on pedestals and will be quick to put you down if you’re out of work or trying to do something that they deem “different” even though they are so vanilla, strawberry seems like a walk on the wild side to them (but more on dull, boring people in the future).

I guess what I’m getting at is that there is no need to ever be like this with people, not really. I always think that there is no one set way to live your life. Some people are rich, some are poor, some love their jobs, some hate their jobs, some fat, some thin. No need to carry on I’m sure you get it. The thing is everyone wants different things from life and defines success in a different way. My definition of success is that of the legend that is Bob Dylan - “A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.”

That quote is sugar for me even if its shit for you. That sums up my philosophy on life quite well.

The worst thing about this type of person is they come in so many forms they might be just some do-gooder with their nose in the air, or they could be a middle manager at some pointless company who doesn’t seem to realize how easily they could be replaced by some other robot, or even an artist (this one saddens me I hate it when creative people are negative).

I guess what I’m getting at is distance yourself from these people and when/if you ever become more successful than them never let them forget it, you know unless they are a perfect stranger, I’m not condoning stalking strangers to prove a point here.

Intro – Bite Your Thread

How fucking cliché here’s an introduction post. But oh well I thought it was worth explaining this Blog and what it’s about.

I will do so by first explaining the title of the Blog.

“Bite Your Thread” - Compose a well thought out response and not post it because it is socially or otherwise better not to.
“They’re very stubborn. Don’t waste your time on them, bite your thread.”

http://definithing.com/bite-your-thread/

Now my idea of this Blog is sort of the opposite, it is to compose a response to something verbal or physical that happens to me and to then post it instead of saying it to the person in real life.

It’s that simple, someone pisses me off with their words or actions or just generally annoys me with their existence (which happens a lot). I simply post it here in rant form which will hopefully be amusing in a comic sense, give you someone to empathise with or at the very least make you glad you’re not me.

Oh shit, I’ve just thought this sounds like it’s going to be some sort of rant therapy to stop me being violent or otherwise cunty to people in my real life… Well you know what it might actually be just that.

Anyhoo that’s the intro done keep checking back to see what type of person has pissed me off on that particular day, be it a loud snoring stranger on a train or a middle aged white man in BMW who thinks he’s the only one on the road.

Just realised a better title for the Blog would have been Biting My Thread but oh well I’ve made it now too late.