Friday, 17 June 2016

EU Referendum - an idiots guide.

For anyone who doesn’t know what the hell is going on in the UK at the moment with this EU referendum, I am here to shed some light on the matter.

Basically the vote leave side of this referendum want the UK (or at least England) to leave Europe and become independent. The main argument I see from these mostly middle aged white men is that leaving Europe would leave the UK with a thriving industry. This probably isn’t true mind, lets face it if big companies can get stuff made for cheaper in India or wherever they are going to do that.
Another argument is that we pay too much money into the EU without anything in return. Well who knows if this is true for every article I read backing this up I read another one saying it’s complete bullshit. And for the EU gives us nothing argument I say look back to when the lizard overlord that is David Cameron tried to scrap human rights so we could have British rights or whatever the nonsense was he called it, after all he only wanted to read your emails and see what porn you’re watching, the sick fuck!

Lastly the leave campaigns secret agenda which seems to be the one people are really passionate about be it explicitly or covertly… IMMIGRANTS. Yes, foreigners coming here with their degrees and taking the jobs of white English people with a BTEC Level one in public services. How dare they become doctors and save lives and force an Englishman to stand outside his local ‘One Stop’ drinking Special Brew at 11am, bloody disgusting.
This whole argument reminds me of that South Park episode… you know what I’ll link the clip…

There “they took our jobs” and as fitting as this is the deeper issue behind this seems to be the fear of Muslims, of refugees and of migrants (as the news likes to call them now the are done calling them swarms). This fear that the British way of life is going to change due to all these people coming to our tiny island. Most of the people with this argument live in small towns, live in rural areas and have never left, let alone never met a Muslim in their lives.
But the fear is there instilled by politicians and the media.

The stay campaign seems to have the attitude of if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. Which seems a bit more plausible? This country is fucked because of backwards thinking politicians not because of Europe.

All in all, I for one am not voting. I see this whole thing as a massive distraction and can’t help but wonder what other sinister shit is happening behind the doors of the Tory party while the news and its millions of sheep are blindly occupied with this referendum. I mean log into your Facebook now it will be full of this shit.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

People with Bad Eating Habits

Pork scratchings are acceptable to make a lot of noise eating, end of list.

People who chew soup, slapping their jaws together between every spoonful, people who make over exaggerated gulping noises when swallowing food, people who slap their mouths and get half chewed food everywhere when eating.

I have no idea what makes people eat like this. I always think of going on a date or on a business lunch (is that just an American thing? I’m not sure) and having to make an impression. What kind of impression does it give if you chew soup? I’m an idiot and I don’t know how food works is what it makes me think.
And as for these over exaggerated gulping noises. WHAT THE FUCK is up with that? You are not a seagull swallowing a whole fish for fuck sakes, eat normally.

I genuinely have heard people half way through a meal saying “mmmmm that’s nice” as if making the mmmm sound wasn’t bad enough you have to talk to…who are you talking to exactly? Who the fuck cares? The only time to talk about a meal is when you turn to someone who has cooked for you to compliment their cooking. Or when you are out for a meal with people and you comment on the quality of the food after the meal.

I question how many people on this shitty little island are inbred at times.

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Facebook People

Facebook people are the worst. Now I’ve split my most hated types of Facebookers into groups below so that I stat on track.

Game/app spammers –
Let us start with these dicks. Everyone has them on Facebook and everyone has someone blocked from sending them stupid requests to games and shit.
Who is playing these games? I play actual video games all the time and never once have I thought “damn let’s sign into Facebook and play imagine we’re a farmer”. I mean what the fuck? It wouldn’t even be so bad if you didn’t have to bug your (Facebook) friends with this shit, I’ve had “help (insert name) plant corn” and “(insert name) needs rope can you help them out” only if the ropes to hang themselves so they stop sending me these stupid fucking request. Bit harsh? Maybe I should move on.

Attention seekers –
Next up we have attention seekers.


            “whats happened?”


If you have to inbox someone about it here’s a theory… don’t put the original post on Facebook, you dumb fuck. The least you could do is tell us what’s up in the comments instead of inboxing people. Come on give us all something to laugh at. No? OK, you absolute click bait whore.
ARRRGH! These people really get me, the please like my status, please comment dipshits who make up problems to seem as though they’ve got stuff going on in their lives.
This is topped only by the queen of emotional Facebook whoring. The top of the tree at attention seeking. That’s right it’s the Facebook is my therapist poster. The absolute cringe that I’m hit with when I read one of these posts is phenomenal. Not sure what posts I’m on about? Here’s an example.

“I have been struggling with my mental health a lot this past couple of years, the dark times never seem to end. But recently there has been a shining light in my life and I no longer feel all alone. Thank you all for your support through these tough times, and I wasn’t sure I’d make it. I’m still not truth be told, but I stay strong and stay positive for you people, I am proud to call you friends”

Followed by the same person posting a funny video of a cat falling down the stairs and pictures of them out getting pissed at the weekend before posting the same fake bullshit next week.
The thing that really pisses me off is there are people out there who generally need help. Who have real depression and real problems. So when some childish, attention seeking twat goes fishing for likes with one of these posts it makes me want to throw up… in a bucket and pour it over their head, in some sort of sick bucket challenge to raise awareness of real mental health issues.
I could go on all day about these fucktards, but you know what they’re not worth it. NEXT!
Serial commenters

Fake post sharers –
Oh these guys, I hate them but love to laugh at them. I saw two people on my timeline share the same photo of these supposed dog-nappers once. The only problem being one was in Manchester and the other was in Portsmouth a 240mile, 5-hour journey in a day just to steal dogs. Oh and did I mention its was the exact same picture, that was supposedly taken by both original posters?
Another favourite of mine was in the weeks leading up to Halloween. People (mostly middle aged white mothers) would share a photo of these Superman, Playboy, smiley face, skull looking pills that looked more like Pez candies to me (if anyone remembers them). With a post saying “people are giving out these ecstasy tablets to children beware this Halloween”, or some similar sounding shit.
Now I’m not Richard Branson but I think that if you are a drug dealer and you are giving away your product to someone too young to think “fuck it, Dad where’s me pocket money I’ve got to go and get off my tits from that candy that man gave me on Halloween” then you might just be doing bad business. And just a whim here as well but to give out molly to every child who visited your house that night (presuming you live in a town or city) would cost you a fuck load of money. And lastly come on people have you ever dealt with a drug dealer? You’re lucky to get what you pay for let alone get freebies. Unless you’re reading this Frank then keep up the good work buddy I’ll see you Saturday.

Rehashing old photos –
We are nearly at the end of this patchwork rant now but there are still a few types of Facebook posters I need to mention.
Like the people who share a photo from 4 years ago and comment on what a wonderful night that was and how they love their friends. Sad fuckers that are stuck in the past and have to cling on to every little good thing that’s happened to them because come Monday morning they will be back to that job they hate, to pay for the mortgage on a house that’s literally a few miles from the house they grew up in.
Also an extension to these posters is the ones who sign up for and app, usually a horoscope which posts shit on their wall every-single-day without them having to do a thing. Hell I doubt they even read it themselves, it’s only purpose to be out there annoying other human beings.

Bigots –
Also if you are unlucky enough to live in the UK like I am, you will have come across a Facebook racist. Usually sharing fake posts from bullshit fucking groups/pages that are anti-muslim, pro-army, ultra right wing nonsense.
I’m going to give these people as few a word count as possible as they are mostly what I call English Rednecks.

Bonus round –
Ok here’s a bonus round of the types of people who piss me of intermittently these people can be; close friends, colleagues or even people you hardly know or never really see post until you see one of these; soldiers/nurses should get footballers wages and footballers should get soldiers/nurses wages, I’m sharing this status as a tribute to/to raise awareness for… I bet most of you wont have the guts to share this.

OK there’s so much stupid there where do we start?
Footballers aren’t paid by the government and nurses and soldiers are. That’s the difference between public and private sector workers, you moron.
Not having the guts to share a status? Are you kidding me? Sharing a status about whatever the cause or point you are trying to make is a big fat fuck all whether it’s a worthy cause or not. So don’t be a thick cunt you’re not going to save/change the world by sharing this dumb status, you really care about it get off you arse and do something about it.
Some people are so stupid it hurts.

Oh and people who feel the need to check in and out of places all the time and tag the people they are with in it. Come on, no one gives a fuck you’re at nandos, get the fuck off my news feed.


Well done if you managed to get this far who knew Facebook could make you rant this much? Oh that’s right everyone, but everyone still has it don’t they?
The last group I’d like to share are the serial spammers (but not like any off the ones mentioned above).

These spammers are the ones who rarely post pictures, rarely post statues but constantly share articles and photos from pages. Now the reason I left these scum bags until last is… I am one of them. In fact, the only reason I still have Facebook is to like and share motivational quotes or news stories you’re not going to get on the BBC. Malcolm X once said that knowledge is power and it’s the one thing nobody can take away from you, I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist of it. I was 15 when I first read that quote and it was too late for me to start to pay attention in school but it wasn’t too late for me to educate myself about the world. Which I continue to do everyday. The reason I share what I do is to hopefully enlighten people to unplug themselves from the matrix as it were and to grow as a person. I am a lot of things, some good, some bad but I continue to grow and learn everyday. And as much as I hate people I am willing to put stuff out there to hopefully provide the tools someone needs to grow.

“Many people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five.” – Benjamin Franklin

Friday, 13 November 2015

People who want credit for stuff they’re (not) supposed to do

Now this is a Chris Rock joke so watch it then we’ll discuss. This has a shit load of bad language in so keep that in mind if you're at work or at you children's nursery. This is just a snippet I'll post the whole 8 minute clip at the end of the post because it's funny as fuck and if you haven't seen it you should.

Ok watched it? Good. How true is this? I mean I have literally just seen something on Facebook, a person I know shared a photo of a guy holding up a sign that reads “I’ve been clean off Meth and Heroin for 1 and a half years, can I get a like and a share?”. No, no you can’t. See I have several problems with this. 1 what good is it actually going to do if I like and share this photo? You don’t get paid from it. You wont get famous particularly, unless someone makes you into a meme. And you aren’t supposed to do drugs in the first place you fucking dumb, dumb. Well not those drugs anyway. If you’re stupid enough to try them knowing that they are massively addictive, well you stupid as hell.
And don’t get it twisted I’m not an anti drug guy by any means. In fact, I think all drugs should be legalized and regulated. Like if the reason you don’t smoke meth is because it’s illegal you’re an idiot. The reason you shouldn’t smoke Meth is because that shit will fuck you up, that should be your reason. Like if all drugs were made legal you’d run out and grab a gram of coke because the government say it’s ok, fucking sheeple.

Any way that’s a short one for today. I feel more stuff about Facebook bubbling inside me so I’m probably going to dedicate tomorrows rant to Facebook folks. God I hate Facebook.

 Here's the full Chris Rock clip I promised.

Thursday, 12 November 2015

Fake People

“Oh my God how are you? You look amazing, we really should meet up more often”

Sound familiar? You’ve experienced fake people. But these fake people are fine, they are in and out of your life no fuss.
The worst fake people are those semi-permanent fuckers who don’t know you, will never really try to get to know you, and have no personality to get to know. The people who are sickly sweet to your face but talk shit behind your back. The scum of the earth if you will?

The fake people I’m talking about are those who sometimes try to give you advice in an artificial happy-tone when the contents of what they are saying is somewhat negative. Now that sounds like a complex thing but if you’ve ever experienced it you’ll know what I mean. And if you’ve ever been unemployed I am 90% sure you will have had one of these in the form of a “I’ve heard that new supermarket down the road is hiring, and with your degree you could go in at management level, a jobs a job after all”. Oh my God thank you for such wonderful advice I spent 3 years at university specializing in a subject to become an Aldi manager. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but when it’s the wrong advice for you there is literally no point in even talking, especially when you’re fake as fuck and know nothing about me.

An easy way to know if you have a fake person in your life is to see what others say about them. If other close family members say things like “they are hard to get to know” or “they’re a funny person” or even a “There is something fucking wrong with them” you may have a fake person. See if people are not sure about them even after spending time with them then there’s a problem for sure.

Fake people are usually nice, which is the worst thing about them. You lose your shit with them you look like a cunt and they walk away smelling of flowers (albeit artificial ones). And when I say nice I mean fake nice obviously, kiss you on the cheek but stab you in the back kind of people.

Now there is a time to be fake. There always will be times when you bump into a friend who you haven’t seen in 5+ years and have nothing in common with anymore but still feel the need to speak to them. This is the only acceptable fakeness and does not make you a fake person. The problem is with negatively charged fake people not fake to not hurt someone’s feelings fake.

This is all quite confusing and fake people are one of the hardest types of people to have in your life (believe me).  The worst thing being I have no solution to them. Ignore them until they are out of your lives is about the best advice but that’s neither here nor there as it’s easier said than done when you don’t have to put up with these people.

Well that sucks leaving this one on a bit of a down note. Sorry.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

People (mostly men) who can’t use the toilet properly

So due to talking about toiletness in yesterdays blog I thought I would pick up where we left off (sort of) and get it all out of our system (bad pun, I’m sorry).

Now let me start this off my saying children, especially little boys are excused for missing the bowl and pissing on the seat as long as they get an adult to come and clean in up, it’s fine they will learn and eventually be that bit taller that peeing will be made easier (or at least should be). However, there are people among us that are either complete morons or just don’t give a shit about other people (I fear that mostly it’s a bit or quite a lot of both of these things). But grown men or any male 16 years and above who don’t lift the seat up to pee are idiots. For one why? Its lazy to not lift the seat up and takes no energy to do anyway so just fucking do it. And two, if you do for some completely unknown and unjustifiable reason pee with the seat down, clean up after yourself. No one wants to sit in your piss you disgusting shit head.

These men really need to check themselves or at the very least sit down to piss. If you can’t handle having a cock, piss like a little girl.

Now I am a man before anyone thinks this is an estrogen/oestrogen (unsure of the spelling and the internet didn’t help) fueled rant, and I have missed the toilet bowl more than my fair share of times, either due to being drunk, trying to piss with boner or the one time I got attacked by a wasp mid stream. But here’s the thing, the magic secret that these toilet missers don’t seem to understand… I cleaned up after myself on every occasion. It took no more than 2 minutes to clean up on any occasion, the longest clean up being the wasp incident.

No excuses. Lift the seat, clean up after yourself or piss like a girl. They are your options fucktards.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

People who ruin your day as soon as you wake up

Ever woke up in a good mood only to have it ruined by a dickhead? 
I have far too often.

For me this comes in the form of being woken up by; shouting/loud conversations, people stomping up and down stairs, hoovering, doors slamming, cupboards slamming and my favourite bickering (when two people are arguing/disagreeing but not overly aggressively more when a teenager is told to do something and they fight out there cause with a parent, that kind of thing).

This is at most inconsiderate and disrespectful or at least absent minded and just a little bit cunty. The biggest problem I have with this is that I am the kind of person who if I knew someone hadn’t got to be up early, if it was their one day off from work say, I would make sure to be quite in everything I did. But again that’s just me. It seems a lot of my problems with other people stem from the fact that I expect more from them because I would go out of my way to not impact someone’s day negatively. From my life experience it seems we are the 1%, the thinkers, the considerate.

This is not completely an act of being woken up prematurely mind you. This also comes in the form of people moving your stuff. This is my number one hate with people you have to live with. Nothing winds me up more than not being able to find something I need/want to use as it has been moved from the place where I left it. The worst thing about this for me is I could understand moving my stuff if I in fact left it on the floor in the middle of a communal room for people to trip over, but I wouldn’t do that as I am a pretty considerate person as stated before. I mean come on moving a wallet from one shelf to another is not tidying, its borderline mental illness and is completely unnecessary unless the original location of the wallet was taking up space in which something else is more suited, which is never the case the original location is always left bare and unused merely two feet from the new location (this is a personal one can you tell?).
What annoys me more is when the same person who moves your shit then leaves I don’t know let’s say a handbag on the stairs, about three or four steps up pushed to the side but with the strap lying across the step like a bear trap waiting to latch onto your ankle but instead of nearly cutting your foot off, gravity sends you flying back down those four steps, which might as well be a ten foot drop as the butterflies in your stomach have no concept of falling distances. This however has never actually happened to me but I’ve had a few near misses.

Shared bathrooms are also hard in a house full of inconsiderate people. I luckily have a toilet in shed that’s attached to our house for “emergencies”. Thank God, Allah, Buddah and Bruce Wayne for that outside toilet, its saved my ass (more like my underwear) more times than I can count due to people having long showers or cleaning the bathroom at 8 a.m.

Unfortunately, there is sweet fuck all you can do about this most of the time and your best bet is to sit out the shit storm (sometimes a little more literal than I’d like) and dream of a day where you can live alone in a cave away from horrible people. You might even befriend a fox and a squirrel and live happily ever after in a sort of mashup of Jungle Book and The Animals of Farthing wood. (Oh shit, I’ve finally lost it).

But anyway on a serious note as Fleetwood Mac say “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”, and even though you might still be stuck surrounded by these people tomorrow you wont be for the rest of your life, so for now work at getting away, make a plan so that you will never have a morning ruined again.